


Taako's Amazing Guide on How to Accidentally Adopt a Kid

by charmandhex



Series: Party of Four or More [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Accidental Child Acquisition, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, In which Taako accidentally adopts Angus early, Rated T for language, Same universe as the other fic in the series, this one is entirely Taako and Ango interactions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-07 20:15:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20823164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmandhex/pseuds/charmandhex
Summary: Step 1: have no idea what you're doingStep 2 five minutes in, decide that this is a two week thing, topsStep 3: theft, deception, and other assorted petty crimesStep 4: mentoring isn't parenting, right?Step 5: well apparently no one else is going to parent this small childStep 6: have some idea what you're doingStep 7: congratulations, you have accidentally adopted a child





	Taako's Amazing Guide on How to Accidentally Adopt a Kid

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> You may be asking yourself, do I need to read the 169k main fic in order to enjoy this one? That answer, dear friends, is no! That being said, the most context you'd "need" is in [chapter one of Party of Four](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14617008/chapters/33781149), or just me telling you that, basically, Angus was hired to solve Glamour Springs several months before THB meet up, Taako's name is cleared, and Taako offered to let Angus hang around for a while. And now you are absolutely good to go forth and enjoy found family shenanigans!
> 
> I do not consent to having my work hosted on any unofficial apps, particularly those with ad revenue or subscription services.

Taako has no idea what he’s doing. This isn’t an entirely unfamiliar sensation for him, given that he spent the entirety of his tragic backstory of a childhood outcast and alone, struggling to adapt to a world where the only consistency he found, was the world’s inconsistency. And sure, he’d thought he’d found a little stability with Sizzle It Up, but, uh, look how badly that had turned out. Or, not so badly, apparently, at least for Taako.

Anyway. Instability and change and all that shit? Not something Taako’s unfamiliar with. Hell, that’s what he’s good at with the whole wizard thing. He can take anything, take something old or broken or worthless, and make it new and shiny and valuable. He might not be able to take a physical punch, but he can sure fuckin’ roll with the metaphorical ones the world sends his way.

So having Angus McDonald literally bouncing in excitement in the seat next to him as they -or, uh, Taako, accompanied by Angus, not really a team there- hitch a wagon ride into the next town shouldn’t be nearly as…

Listen, the point is, babysitting a nine year old for like, five minutes, or a week or two at most, shouldn’t be as intimidating as it’s suddenly become.

“Wow, sir, I can’t believe I’m really here and headed to Trostenwald with you to go on an adventure instead of just heading back to Neverwinter for more detective work! Don’t get me wrong, sir, I love detective work, and I’m very good at what I do, but this is- this is _great_!” The half-elf sitting a few spaces away shoots them a dirty look, but no way are they getting more jostled by Angus bouncing than the bumpy road.

“Uh-huh, sure, kiddo.” Taako summons up a Mage Hand behind Angus’s back to flip the half-elf off. They huff, looking duly offended, and turn away.

“Did you know that Trostenwald-” Angus sets off on a history of the town they’re approaching (which apparently has fucking _rampant_ mail fraud), and while Taako (surprisingly) has one ear turned to listen, there’s something refusing to be ignored in the back of his mind.

Angus has very much given up on the attempt to sound nonchalant about this whole adventuring with Taako thing. But maybe, Taako thinks to himself, turning his head to the side and letting his enormous hat hide the small grin fighting its way onto his face, that’s _exactly_ why this has thrown Taako off his rhythm as much as it has.

As he’s already covered, in this moment of unexpected self-reflection, Taako’s used to being on his own. He’s also used to hiding thoughts and feelings and attachments, because there are too many times and too many ways the world will try to use that against you. And right now Angus, despite his own lack of parental supervision and frankly obvious tragic backstory looming in the background, is just as open as one of those Caleb Cleveland books he’s so fond of, bright-eyed and eager and excited. The openness runs directly counter to Taako’s own ingrained aloofness, something that dates back to when Taako was Angus-sized. And it’s… cute, in that way kids can be.

But it also doesn’t make any fuckin’ sense. Not Angus’s enthusiasm, but that something about this situation is… weirdly familiar. As though Taako has been in this position before, on the road into the unknown, someone else beside him, just as unguarded with Taako as Angus is now. And like there was a point when even Taako had just been able to be excited for the future. Which is, uh, not something that should be familiar.

Eh. It’s fine. He doesn’t have to figure this out. This isn’t gonna last that long anyway. Taako will be on his own again soon enough, just like he’s always been.

* * *

Taako has no idea what he’s doing. And apparently neither does Angus, since he’s frozen and staring wide-eyed at the museum guards (who, and Taako will have to hand it to the kid later, do in fact seem to be moonlighting as smugglers) who just kicked down the door to the ancient Faerunian art exhibit, presumably using the ongoing museum gala as an opportunity to steal the figurine of some fate goddess that had been stolen from its temple. You know, just like Taako and Angus are doing. But they’re at least stealing it back _for_ the temple.

“Oh, shit, wait, there are people here? Uh… hello, honored guests! What are you… doing here?” Guard #1 asks, doing a very poor job of hiding their club behind their back.

“Yeah, we weren’t expecting people here when we came to steal-” Guard #2 claps his hands to his mouth, promptly realizes that he has a club in his hand, and whips it behind his back.

“This area of the museum is off limits!” Guard #3 is doing the worst job of hiding his mace. Because he’s not hiding it at all. Where’s a meat shield when you need one? Or a cleric, because, uh, if they get out of this clusterfuck, Taako’s inclined to think they might need one. “You should leave! Right now! Definitely right now!” Taako is also inclined to agree with that statement. Taako would be very much good out there and not right here.

“Well… we’re. Um. You see. It’s. Listen. We’re...” Taako rambles, scrambling for an answer as he discreetly silences his alarm spell. So much for that shit.

“We’re… uh…” Angus slowly withdraws his hands from his bag, and with a flash of light on silvery metal, Taako sees Angus hide his lock-picking kit up his sleeve. Angus seems to still want to go for the figurine, despite the, you know, the three evil Paul Blart Fantasy Mall Cops in front of them. Angus glances up to him, looking frantic but determined. Ugh. Taako can practically _hear_ the whole spiel about doing the right thing and how this is a point where they have to choose who they’re gonna be. Also, they’ll get paid for this.

Taako races for plausible excuses. His and Angus’s fancy outfits _might_ have convinced the guards that they were just two guests who meandered off from the rest of the group, if there weren’t half a dozen “CLOSED” signs along the way. Okay, time for a bullshit excuse.

Taako takes in a deep breath before turning to Angus. “Angus,” he says, very seriously, and you gotta know it’s serious when Taako uses Angus’s actual name. “I wanted to wait until you were older to explain. But now I see that, here and now, at this party where everyone is giving us weird looks-” it’s true; the rich people mingling and chortling their way through the gala had looked askance at the way Taako had tried and spat out half the hors d’oeuvres, “-and in this weird room full of art that we definitely stumbled upon entirely by accident, just so we’re all clear on that point, but, uh, listen, you need to know. Like, now.” Taako quickly glances to the guards. “Right now.”

“Uh, do you- do you need privacy for this or something? We can… we can step out.” Guard #1 offers.

“No, we can’t! We’re supposed to grab the- MMRPMPH.” This time it’s Guard #3 clapping a hand over Guard #2’s mouth, luckily with the mace-free hand. Taako takes it as an opportunity to continue.

“Angus Mc…Elroy.” Taako stumbles but quickly corrects himself. Hell yeah, fuckin’ cover name. “I don’t know how to tell you any other way. You’re adopted.”

There’s a pause. Angus takes in a deep breath as well.

Guard #2 looks to Guard #1. “Uh, should we- should we go? And grab the-” Both Guards #1 and 3 slap their hands over Guard #2’s mouth.

Guard #1 at least looks sympathetic though. “No, we can’t leave, this is some heavy shit, what if the kid needs-”

Guard #3 has had it. “But _we need to get rid of-_”

“BETRAYAL!” Angus yells, and Taako immediately chokes on laughter. He manages to turn it into a pretty good fake sob though. Angus slams his hand against the display case, and when he removes it again, there’s a silver lock pick sticking out of the lock. Game on, liches. “My life is a lie! Lies, all of it! Betrayal, perfidy, treachery! Lies and falsehoods!”

“Uh… what’s perfidy?” Guard #3, momentarily distracted from his rage, asks the others.

“I think that’s when you got the fluid ‘round your lungs and the outside gets all scratchy ‘n shit.” Guard #1 nods sagely.

“No, it’s when you’re someone’s dad! Cause he’s saying he’s not really his dad!” Guard #2 says.

“SEE! Even these three people knew immediately!” Angus gestures widely, spinning past the display case. There’s the second lock pick. Hachi machi, they might actually pull this shit off. “I should have seen this coming! No, I knew this was coming! I saw how people looked at me; I heard what they said!”

“I tried to protect you from all that!” Taako yells back, hoping the tears starting to well up in his eyes from laughter look convincingly tragic. This is… fun. And bizarrely familiar. Taako’s never pulled any kinda shit like this with another person, but he’s seemingly a natural at team hustling. If they keep this up, they could probably hustle the shoes straight off these people.

“I knew I didn’t just have abnormally small ears for an elf!”

Taako stands with his back to the guards and his hands on his hips, that overdramatic cape that Angus had whined about attracting too much attention earlier blocking Angus’s hands from view. Angus immediately starts working on the lock. “Small ears run in the family!”

“Uh, boys, this is-”

“I’m clearly human!”

“Well, you didn’t figure it out until now!”

“Should we… call for backup?”

“What, no? We’re trying to _steal-_”

“Just get them-”

“That’s why you never really loved me!”

“Oh no,” Guard #1 gasps, dropping their club in shock. It covers the sound of the lock clicking open.

“Angus, please, we can- I’m still your-”

“YOU AREN’T MY REAL DAD!” Angus nearly roars, stamping his foot. The door of the display case swings open.

“Angus, I am _hurt_. You have been my boy for-” For all of five weeks, but these chucklefucks don’t need to know that part, “-for so long. Of course I care. I have always cared. This, this doesn’t change anything.”

“It changes everything! Is my name even really Angus Mick-El-roy?” Angus butchers the false name even worse than Taako, using air quotes as he does.

Taako turns away from Angus with a sweep of his cape. “I’m sorry. No.” Taako says, voice breaking. With laughter. “Your real name is… DJ Christopher Christopher Perry Finalfantasy Terry Turbovickison Jaa’mnephew Johnman McJefferson-Tallpipe Starwars VIII, son of Pam, the Boy-Mayor of Dino-Lansbury and Totinos, or Chiquita Dan for short.” Taako waits a moment before looking up. The three guards-turned-attempted-smugglers are all staring agape. Taako glances at Angus behind him. And then up to the now empty display case. “I’m so sorry… Chiquita Dan.”

Angus’s face is very red, and he’s got a hand clapped over his own mouth. Whether he’s restraining himself from laughter or calling Taako out on his fuckin’ clown name, Taako is unsure. Both seem like reasonable responses, and Taako can practically hear some voice in the back of his head giving him shit. Angus lowers his hand. “Right. Okay. That name is horseshit, so I’m okay with being Angus the adopted elf son again. Uh, d-Dad? Can we go play catch or something?”

“Ooh! Come with us! There’s a courtyard near the party! We’ll show you the way!” Guard #1 exclaims.

“Yeah, and then we’ll come back for the-”

“Shut. Up.” Guard #3 tells Guard #2. But when he turns to Taako and Angus, he too has tears in his eyes. “Let’s go to that courtyard.”

Holy shit. They actually pulled it off.

Damn, they really _should_ have gone for the shoes as well.

* * *

Taako has no idea what he’s doing. Sure, he’d turned the art of cooking into dinner and a show, and he’d been explaining just how he was doing that to the audience the whole time. But actually teaching someone? Actually teaching someone _magic_, something he’d never had a teacher for himself? Listen, Taako’s a fuckin’ _phenomenal_ wizard, but teaching that shit is a whole other bag.

Still, it’d been easy to offer. Angus had popped open that gachapon capsule and pulled out that wand, and Taako had known that look on Angus’s face. His own childhood memories might be muddled around the edges, like glass warped with the ages, but the memory of his own first wand and first attempts at magic is crystalline, clear and sharp and precious. His wand had been stolen, and his spells too for that matter, and Taako certainly hadn’t had a teacher or anyone to help him along the way. But there had been wonder, excitement, joy, with just a pinch of uncertainty, and Taako had seen the same thing in Angus’s eyes.

That all being said, now that he’s facing down a kid armed with a wand, hope, and likely every bit of knowledge on basic magic available from the BoB library crammed into his nerd brain? Taako’s kinda thinking he should have gone for a real lesson plan.

“It’s magic day!” Angus is just as excited as he’d been when he’d gotten the wand, and, like then, Taako’s mouth quirks into a smile. “Thank you so much, sir! I’ve studied all about the basics of magic to prepare! Oh! What spells are you going to teach me? Or cantrips, since I’m just starting? How many spells can you do, sir? I know your spellbook has a wide variety like Magic Missile and Thunderwave and Levitate and Phantom Steed and-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow your phantom steeds right there, Agnes,” Taako holds his hands up in a T shape. “It’s… okay. You studied the basics of magic, right?” Good, start at the beginning. Make sure the kid understands all the basics, so he doesn’t go trying to cast fourth level warlock spells like Merle did last week. Taako doesn’t even know _how_ Merle knows that spell exists.

“Yes, sir!”

“Okay, so, you know I’m a wizard.”

“I mean, I don’t know that that’s a fundamental tenet of magic, but yeah, I knew that, sir.”

“Little shit,” Taako says, rapidly throwing out a cantrip and tousling Angus’s hair with Mage Hand. Hm. Mage Hand. “But, yeah, good. Good. So, there’s a couple of, uh, main caster classes. You got your clerics, like Merle, or theoretically like Merle at least, and you got your Paladins; they use divine shit and their god is basically their boss. Warlocks are, uh, _kinda_ similar in the having a boss thing, ‘cause they make a pact or a deal with the devil or who and what the fuck ever. But, uh, probably a bad idea.”

“I know, sir. I met Garfield.”

“Right! Exactly why you should not be a warlock!” Taako nods vehemently. “Then you get bards like Johann who do magic through music, so it’s basically pattern magic, and Druids, they do nature magic by being even crunchier than Merle. Sorcerers have this innate magic, so, uh, tough luck, kid, neither of us are ever gonna do that. Couple others can learn some shit along the way, so rangers and rogues. And last but _fucking best_ of all, are wizards. Now, uh, lucky for you, pumpkin, being a bookworm is pretty fuckin’ useful for being a wizard. Wizards learn magic by studying the shit out of it. It’s fuckin’ nerdy as fuck, just like you.”

“Are you calling yourself a nerd, sir?”

Taako snorts. Angus’s eagerness matches his own, but so does the sass. Shit, how can he _not_ mentor the kid? Angus is too similar to Taako for his own good. “So, uh. You got all that?” At the affirmative, Taako goes on. “Then you got your schools of magic: transmutation, the best school; evocation, the second best school; illusion; conjuration; divination; necromancy; abjuration; and enchantment.” Taako elaborates on the schools and some of the mechanics of magic, watching as a look of confusion grows over Angus’s face. He knows this. Taako knows he knows this. But Taako’s got a reason.

“Now.” Taako claps his hands together. “All that’s important, but you already know that, right?”

“Um… yes, sir? I told you I studied?”

“Uh-huh. But can you do magic?” Taako asks, prestidigitating a few sparkles.

“I’ve read all of it, and I tried to practice beforehand, but- well, it didn’t work.” Angus momentarily looks away, shuffling his feet.

“That’s because you’re looking at this purely academically. And plenty of people do that, they study, they get a magic wand, and boom, magic, right?”

“Right?”

“Not quite! You need a wand, yeah, you need a spellcasting focus cause we aren’t fuckin’ sorcerers over here, but wands are just the conduit for the magic inside you all along.”

Angus grins. “Taako original?”

“Natch. So, wands are important. But what if you don’t have one? Like, uh, listen, Agnes, put the wand down for a sec?” Taako watches as Angus carefully, carefully puts the wand on the cafeteria table. Cafeteria was a great idea. It’s bigger than the dorm room, and if they make a mess, Taako can run away before anyone asks him to clean it up. “Okay, you don’t have your wand. How do you get your wand?”

“Besides picking it up, sir?”

“You’re here for magic lessons, not sass lessons.”

“Good, because I already know the latter.”

“The question?” Taako laughs.

Angus’s smile twists into a thoughtful sort of frown. “Well, these are magic lessons, but if I don’t have a wand, then I can’t do magic, right? So… I don’t know.”

“And that’s fine! You don’t always have the answers when you’re learning.” Taako clears his throat, before nodding decisively. “Mage Hand. I’m gonna teach you Mage Hand. First, because it’s a cantrip, and second, because that shit can get you out of a lot of trouble. Something you are, uh, astonishingly good at finding.”

Taako runs through the verbal and somatic components to the cantrip with Angus listening intently. Angus starts practicing immediately, a determined look in his eyes that’s more than a little reminiscent of Taako’s own first attempts at Prestidigitation. Like Taako, Angus learns quickly.

Also like Taako, Angus’s first success is,_ well_-

“Oh! Oh my gods!” Angus yelps as the one-fingered Mage Hand drops to the floor.

“Kill it! Kill it!” Taako yells, scrambling backward onto the table. It’s fine; it really is. But this shit is funny as hell. “Stab it with a fork!”

Angus snatches up a fork off the table and ducks down to stab the mangled Mage Hand. With more than ten pounds of force applied in the form of a couple fork tines, the Mage Hand at once dissipates into a cloud of blue smoke.

“That. That was _terrible_!” Angus exclaims, rolling backward out of his hunched over position to flop onto the floor in distinctly non-fancy lad fashion.

“That was _great_!” Taako scoots forward and off the table, peering down at Angus. “You made one whole something out of a whole lot of nothing! That’s magic, baby.” And then he extends a hand out to Angus, who looks up wearily, but takes it. Of course, Taako lets him do a lot of the work in the actual standing up, but not all of it.

“I guess so.” Angus scuffs the floor where his Mage Hand had once been.

“Yeah? Well, I know so. You did one whole magic, magic boy. And, uh, listen, Angus. Pretty sure cha’boy might have set, uh, more than a few things on fire starting out,” Taako says, shrugging. Certainly, there’d been a disproportionate amount of small fires. He quickly shakes off the reverie and looks back to Angus. “You’re doing great, Ango.” Angus brightens up at the genuine compliment, and Taako grins. It’s a familiar feeling, even a familiar look on Angus’s face. But it can’t be too familiar, because Taako’s never seen it on his own face, right?

* * *

Taako has no idea what he’s doing. He just walked out of his bedroom in the middle of the night at fuck o’clock to head to the suite kitchen for a glass of water. That’s it. That’s all.

And instead he’s found himself standing in the middle of the living room, looking down at a very much asleep Angus sprawled across the couch, illuminated by the lights from Neverwinter below, visible now since Angus nudged the carpet out of place. He deffo fell asleep reading again, judging by the glasses still on his face and the open Caleb Cleveland book currently being used as a pillow.

Another nightmare, probably. Angus is wearing the amulet again, too. Taako rocks back on his heels before rocking up onto his toes. Taako knows what it is to come from a shitty family background, so he’d figured out Angus has his own variant pretty quickly. Granted, should be pretty fuckin’ obvious, since a literal baby was running around solving murders on his own. Responsible parents generally don’t approve of at least one of those things. Taako scowls at the thought. Angus deserves better than that.

Well. _Someone’s_ gotta be responsible for him. That much is apparent. Just like it’s apparent that since Magnus is dead to the world and Merle is, well, _Merle_, that leaves Taako. Cool.

Okay. Okay. Taako can do this. Taako considers. It’s probably going to be best if he gets Angus back to his own bed, what with books not being the best pillows and Angus probably not wanting to talk about why he’s on the couch when either Merle or Magnus comes stumbling out in a few hours.

Taako starts with the easy part, carefully sliding the book out from under Angus’s head. He frowns in his sleep, and Taako’s ears twitch as Angus seems to mutter something about keep away. Taako shakes his head. Sleep now, books later, kid.

Taako returns the book to Angus’s bedside table, half wondering if Angus will be awake by the time he’s back. No dice though. Angus is out cold, sleeping as heavily as…

Taako shakes his head. No idea where he was going with that thought. Anyway. Now for the hard part.

Awkwardly, unsure of how to carry another being efficiently, and definitely not lifting with the legs as much as he ought, Taako manages to pick up a still sleeping Angus. Carefully, he turns and makes it forward a few steps. Hachi machi, people are heavy.

Wait. Wait just a second. “_Fuck_,” Taako hisses, closing his eyes in realization. “I have magic powers.”

Levitate likely would have been considerably easier than carrying an actual human person. But the Umbra Staff is in his room, and dropping Angus on the couch only to Levitate him back to bed seems like even more work at this point.

Carefully, with only a few muttered curses, Taako manages to get Angus across the room and back to his own bed in his own bedroom, even managing to get through the doorway in one piece without tripping over the giant teddy bear. Cool. Cool cool cool. Taako purses his lips, trying not to breathe too heavily.

Angus still has his glasses on his face, and the blanket is bunched around his feet where Angus presumably kicked it off earlier. Taako pulls up the blankets over Angus and carefully sets Angus’s glasses next to his book on the nightstand. By the time Taako is at the door, Angus has already managed to roll himself into a sleeping blanket cocoon. Taako snorts quietly, because apparently things like that don’t need to be genetic to run in the family, and equally quietly closes the door.

Okay, maybe, _maybe_, Taako has some idea what he’s doing.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there!
> 
> It's been a while. This is something I wrote for a game with friends, wherein I was given a topic of what Taako sees in Angus/any familiarity or comparisons and a minimum of 1000 words. I went a little overboard, and I'm actually fairly pleased with the result. Since working on Po4 is on hold for another two weeks while I work on Taakitz week stuff, I wanted to put out something, because I feel like a terrible person.
> 
> And as for a specific status update, I will hopefully be posting Taakitz Week stuff starting October 6th. It may just be the one fic that is rapidly spiraling out into a 20k+ multichapter fic, but we'll see! After that, I'm hoping to work on Po4, finish Catalytic, and maybe work on a few other projects.
> 
> Kudos and comment to feed your local lich; bookmark, subscribe, head to [charmandhex](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com/) for more content!


End file.
